GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
