I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
