So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
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Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
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Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Dear god my vagina.
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