I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
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She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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