you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
