he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
