I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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