who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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