just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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