I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
