i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
