Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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