It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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