I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
