He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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