After last night, I could never be a politician.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
