I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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