I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
