You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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