the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
