My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Ladies don't puke and tell
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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