you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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