I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
