$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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