I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
being pregnant is like rehab
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
