Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
