From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
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