you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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