He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
