The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
