We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college