she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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