Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
