My brain says no but my pants say off.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
