Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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