R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
