hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Your dad touched me again.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
