Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
The air taste purple.
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