So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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