i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
