Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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