I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
