Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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