is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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