I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
