Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
