god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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