I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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