I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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