I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
