I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
