I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
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Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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