You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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